The Pastor’s Wife and the “other” women

No. Not the amorous, besotted teeny boppers that are charmed by his preaching and presentation. (Although these have their own danger.) This is about the “other” women. The one’s who think they are entitled to be the confidant of the pastor’s wife, for no other reason than their own choosing. These are the ones that want the inside ‘goss’ on what the pastor really thinks about certain people or problems in the Church. Their intentions are not honourable and they are not interested in supporting and encouraging the pastor’s wife, just advancing their petty agenda.

Mark Driscoll explains:

Those women are legion. Those women are pushy, demanding, and masters at guilt. They try to make the pastor’s wife be their friend, expect her to be at every church event, have some job description they have dreamed up for her (like running the women’s ministry), demand personal email and cellphone access, expect to be in the pastor’s home whenever they like, and seek to get their hand on the rudder of the church through manipulating the pastor’s wife. Those women tend to be quite religious and difficult to deal with.

The truth is, the Bible has no office or job description called “pastor’s wife.” This is because the pastor’s wife is simply to be a Christian church member like everyone else. Her first priorities are to be a godly woman, godly wife, and then godly mother, after which all other duties fall. If she is busy with her family and the ministry she and her husband have, to their children, and the guests they entertain, her plate is more than full. If she desires to use certain gifts to serve in the church and she and her husband think it’s a good idea, then that is fine, but not to be expected. Perhaps, as her children grow up, she may have more time to be involved in more ministry, if that is what she and her husband desire and feel called to.

Those women need to know that a pastor’s wife is to be friendly toward all people, but should not be expected to be friends with all people. She, like everyone else, has a right to choose her friends. Whom she spends time with, opens her heart to, invites to her birthday party, and allows into her home is her choice to make.

Related Articles:

The Pastor’s Wife on Sunday’s

Compensation and Holidays for the Pastor’s Wife


3 thoughts on “The Pastor’s Wife and the “other” women

  1. I couldn’t agree more. As the wife of a pastor I know the dangers of being too close to those that want to know everything. Being a young pastor’s wife it is so easy to get caught up in trying to do everything when really it is not my job to do everything. We are all supposed to work together

    1. It’s so tempting isn’t – to jump in on everything. You want to support your husband, be a good example to the other women. And besides that you have your own gifts and contributions to make as a Christian. But when a Church is expecting a “two-fer” (i.e. 2 for 1 deal by expecting the pastor’s wife will be as involved – if not more – than the pastor) then dangerous precedents are set the moment you do anything. If you take on the Children’s ministry, or Women’s ministry or something else, people will have a tendency to back off. The same applies with the pastor. Sure in the early days of a new church plant, you both are going to be doing much more than normal. But in an established church, both of you need to step back and work “on” the ministry not “in” the ministry. Your ministry as the pastor’s wife is, after Jesus, first to your husband and children, then as God provides opportunity where-ever your gifts might be best utilised.
      Bottom line is there is no ‘pastors-wife’ office in the church. Any expectations on a pastors wife that are over and above any other woman in the church are wrong.
      Most men will defend this – I’ve had several frank discussions with others about their misplaced expectations of my wife – it’s not on.
      However, don’t withdraw completely. Through the relationships you have, particularly with other women and younger girls in the Church, you have a fantastic opportunity to serve, mentor, and disciple them according to godliness. If you’re busy doing everything, you won’t have time to invest yourself in their lives.

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